Everyone has this idea of growing old on some farm in Wyoming on a rocking chair with their spouse who they love “oh so dearly”. Your days consist of playing chess, collecting model cars and sipping on cranberry vodkas (light on the vodka). All of these expenses fully paid for from your great investment of THE WEED (shoutout Stephen A). The rest of the afternoon you reminisce on the great times you had making tik toks and commenting first on favorite instagramers. OH THE GOOD OL DAYS.
All those green juices and Keto diet days are finally paying off as your wrinkles never fully sprouted and your skin is tighter than…yeah your skin isn’t saggy. Neo is taking notes on how well you dodged male patterned baldness. Nothing can stop you now besides father time himself and you couldn’t have predicted a better life than this.
This is the life we all could have lived before we downloaded the FACE APP. A trivial app where someone can edit their face in silly ways has become the talk of the town for their “amazing”, and “hilarious”. Their “old”, filter has everyone from King Lebron to the Jonas brothers (fuck they got them too). Now some of the old filters are cute old people and you’re like aww I can’t wait to be a little NAM NAM (or whatever cute nickname you have for your grandparents) but for the few, the proud, the mediocre, the old filter shows us everything we hoped was a myth.
For me, the looking glass showed only half of a man and what looks like the face of someone bankrupt from their 3rd divorce. Wrinkles galore and they even went ahead and added fat ol gizzard on my neck GAH DAMN. If this is what the future holds for me I’m expecting it to also come with sadness and regrets of everything that lead up the exact moment future me decides to look at a mirror.
If you haven’t already seen old you, Im here to tell you it’s not shit and also your face is safe from the russians who coincidentally made this app. My conspiracy theorist senses are going off but the thought of being old has taken priority.
Cheers to modern day plastic surgery and the costumers this app has brought you!
-Malcolm Agyeben
PS: VIEWERS DISCRETION ADVISED 
The Scripture 